1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to
armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying
beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French bread.
4. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there
is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding
place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there
and you can travel to any other part of the building without
difficulty.
7. You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German
accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building
in Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you
take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm
to grow by 15cm.
14. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering
a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use
that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for
their family every morning, even though the husband and
children never have time to eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst
into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the
size of a football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to
find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it’s the
middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it
is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from
left to right every few moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing
them all than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored
by frantically beating the cradle and saying, Hello?,
Hello?
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings
- especially if any of their family or friends has died in
a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in
a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a
threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of
facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to
stand behind them and talk to their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly
bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at
them and no one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner
who is their total opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer
to speak English to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will
coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all
the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
33. There’s always a chainsaw around when you need
one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer
to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery
involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers
and man-eating sharks that will allow their captives at
least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing
devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly
when they’re going to go off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you bump into will know all the steps.
40. All dogs understand everything a human being is saying
but simply cannot impart information as easily, especially
in a time of a crisis.
41. All men are basically perplexed until a wiser female
assists him in resolving the dilemma with her intuition
and natural insights into human nature.
42. Everyone has a guest room, two bathrooms and garage.
43. Car engines cease functioning upon entering or exiting
residential driveways.
44. Backyards covered in Astroturf still need regular
mowing.
45. People only use the bathroom to ‘freshen up, ‘
‘powder their nose’ or shower. The toilet is for
flushing deceased aquatic pets and sitting for conversation.
46. Friendly policemen are always just a whistle away.
47. All refrigerators come stocked with beer.
48. The fourth man on the away team on any sci-fi program
will die a horrible death.
49. Thieves and robbers are open to long discussions about
their childhood or other social issues relative to their
personal situation.
admin :: Feb.12.2008 ::
::
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